insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
