Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
