I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
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Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
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I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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