People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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