I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
