If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
