he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
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