I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
