I just saw a hot homeless man
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
