You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
