I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
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