i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
