never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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