mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
The air was thick with penises
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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