OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
