I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I CAN MOONWALK!
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
