Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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