Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
