Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
There's always time for handjobs
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
