why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
