Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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