I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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