my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
