sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
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