you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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