sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
