I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
