I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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