Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
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I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
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Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
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