I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
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Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
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She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
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