no, he came in my armpit
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
