Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Randomize
