I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
