I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
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We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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