my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
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Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
You made out with two different species that night
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
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A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
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