i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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