you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
