Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
