i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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