I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
