Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
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when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
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You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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