I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
