You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
