I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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