Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
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