He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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