what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
