Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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