you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
