Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
