Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
