So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
