I can tuck mytits in my pants
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
