Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?