I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
