I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
She even gives head with a lisp.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
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