Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
