I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
