He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Randomize
