either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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