I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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