So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
